Six Things My Cat Said to Me as I Was Trying to Teach Her About Jesus

My cat resembles a nun. It’s why I named her Noone and forced-fed her a diet of religion and end-of-the-world preaching. She’s smitten with the idea of resurrection and hopes that at least one life will bring her back as a Jesuit Monk’s rat-catcher.

Noone and I chat about all sorts of things deep into the night. She’s especially curious about religion and asked me to teach her about Jesus. Who could resist the charms of a feline seeking a religious experience before naptime?

Unfortunately, my cat doesn’t talk. She hisses and scratches and waits silently in cupboards ready to leap on unsuspecting pilgrims unfortunate to pass by.

Here are six utterances I’ve translated from my cat as I tried to teach her about Jesus.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” — Matthew 7:7–8

I thought a good place to start with the teachings of Jesus was a lesson on how to be concise. Be clear with what you want. Know what to ask for and how to ask for it.

What the cat said: “Where’s my fucking food?”

“Do to others whatever you would have them do to you.” — Matthew 7:12

Our relationship is toxic. I want Noone to show some love. I want her to treat me with respect and kindness. Jesus’s most popular (and misunderstood) lesson is treating people with kindness. All people. If you act like a vicious dick intent on gorging out eyeballs, then expect the same hostility in return. Do you think my cat understood that?

What the cat said: “Why the fuck are you waking me up? You’re going to regret that you bloated baboon.”

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve…

Related posts:

Research plays a crucial role in the development of machine learning technology. With the advancement of machine learning, the research community has adopted a “bigger, better” approach, requiring a…

The button below should look familiar. We use it all the time to upload photos, add attachments to emails, submit homework, etc. I decided to make a React component that lets you choose an image…

I have a car that I bought from my grandma in salt lake. I don’t have the money right this minute to get it registered and the only way I can pick it up is if I go with my grandma on her way back to…