Are You Judgmental?

Do you ever judge other people? Do you judge yourself? It’s a very human thing to do

We know what it feels like to be judged by another person. It feels crappy. So why do we do it to others? There’s a good reason, but we have to look into our animal nature.

I was coaching a brilliant young executive who complained about her own judgmental nature. She could see that her judgment of others kept her separate from them, when she wanted to feel connected. The judgement created a kind of distance, which made her feel safe, but it also made her feel lonely. She judged everyone, including herself. “Judging others is bad,” she said, “and I’m bad for judging others.” I pointed out that judgment is a sword with two sharp ends. It always stabs in both directions.

“To judge” has many different definitions. Two of them are: “a formal utterance of an authoritative opinion,” and “the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.”

Discernment is a virtue when the mind is used to evaluate a situation and form an educated opinion. It is the ability to detect whether something is good for you or not, and take the appropriate actions. It helps you establish healthy boundaries and keep yourself safe. We could all use a little more discernment.

What turns discernment into judgment is adding a binary value judgment. The other person’s characteristic or behavior is not just different (or “not right for me”), but is bad or wrong (instead of good or right). The world is black-or-white for children, but we’re supposed to grow up and see that all qualities exist in wide spectrums of many colors. Ice cream doesn’t come in only two flavors, and neither do people. We are all different, and all worthy of respect, honor, and love. We are all God’s children doing the best we can.

What then is the purpose of judgement? To answer this question, I looked for biological models. What animals judge each other? They may see others as competitors for the same resources (food, mates, etc.), but that’s a survival instinct, not a moral yardstick. Social animals tend to have a pecking order, a way of assigning status. Wolves, for example, have identifiable alphas, the top dogs, and the…

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