Connect Well with your Teenage Daughters

The best advice I had from a parent was —

No matter how involved and thoughtful you have been, parenting will every now and then put a doubt in your mind if you have done right by your child. While life itself does not come with a manual, there is guidance we can seek from books, observations, coaching about most things in life — work, finances, success. With teenage daughters, every child and your dynamic with your child is unique. Even two daughters close in age getting mostly the same parenting, one will find completely different reactions to what you are trying to communicate, encourage, guide.

Teenage years will also provide an additional challenge, that you feel you know less and less about what your child is going through. What brings her joys, what really is upsetting her, her dreams and her fears.

This can become a phase of confusion, anger, resentment, prejudices. The child is merely going through an evolutionary phase of establishing her own identity. She is taking the love and teachings from her toddler years, to challenge them, break them, stitch them together and add her own truths. She is coming into her own. And like the catterpillar that struggles to break through the cocoon to blossom into a butterfly, this can be a painful and tiring phase for both the child and father.

This is when you need to up your resolve to be a more thoughtful parent, and chip off the barriers of communication between you and the baby you love. What you will find on the other side is an insightful, loving, creative girl with unique perspectives that will amaze you and make you proud. You will also find that your child needs you now more than ever to be open, accepting, understanding, listening, loving and gently guiding father.

You will find that this is the opportunity to fortify the foundations of your father daughter relationship before she takes her first flight out of the nest. As she tries to move the world in her own unique ways, the father daughter base will provide her the solid ground to stand on.

In the words of Khalib Gibran

Here are the pillars on which you can start building the foundations of an authentic and loving relationship with your daughter

Accepting your children’s uniqueness, her demands for space and love and valuing her will build her self-esteem and confidence. She will flourish with your unconditional love, and she will feel safe and secure to show you her strengths, share her views, and discuss her fears. Your acceptance will reflect in her own acceptance of the core of who she is. Acceptance does not mean agreement. You start will listening, showing empathy and honest understanding of who she is and what she is saying. She will ask you for your views. Wait for that moment, and then give an honest view without judgement. Be the person that she can come to with her concerns, fears, and mistakes.

Your teenage daughters are ready to be adults more than you know, and they need a safe encouraging environment to practice. Include them in decisions that impact their life and familes : what parties they can go to, how will they keep you informed, courses that they should choose, family budget, vacation planning, what car should the family buy, how should the family spend the weekend. Allow them to make decisions, get their own feedback on the results of the decision, and partner with them to discuss alternatives. Participation will prepare them for adulthood. With your unconditional love and support they will surprise you with making the right decisions more often than not.

A daughter is likely to follow what you do, rather than what you say. In making your daughter your priority, you need to find yourself first. Make time for your favorite activities, your interests, your health, your time. When they see you make yourself a priority, they will learn to value their own time. When dealing with conflict, or a mistake that you made, deal with in head-on and bring about a positive outcome from a sorry start. Put down your own devices and wean yourself form social media, if you want them to spend more time in the real world. Lose the shame of your past mistakes, and channel your guilt to make positive changes in yourself. Your child is sure to notice, and will be your cheer leader. And more, she will find a construct of turning her defeats into successes.

Being a parent means doing the hard part of being firm about certain non-negotiable things. Drinking, smoking, time to return back home from after school parties. With the acceptance and unconditional love that we talked before, you would have won the love of your children. And they will understand when you draw the line on certain things. Doing that while being calm means, even when she is losing her temper will give you the medium to communicate the reasons behind your decision. Discuss and explain your point of you. You will find that your child will come back eventually and share stories of how your guidance and clear decisions helped her make the right decisions even when she was tempted by the friends around her to make the wrong one.

In the end, as you look to re-start your journey for better relationship with your daughter, start afresh. Do not carry past decisions your children have made, or their mistakes. Give them the benefit of doubt, and understanding. Even more, allow yourself room to recover from parenting that you feel you did not right.

Daughters are a blessing to fathers. The parenting that was needed when they were toddlers need to adapt to their teenage years. With unconditional love and acceptance, you will find the right balance with empathy, understanding, listening, and guidance. And you will win back a lifetime relationship with your daughter that no other connection can match.

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