When it All Disappeared

I used to think it was a tragedy that my faith disappeared. After years of working on religious trauma recovery, (and still working), I do not think that my faith leaving me is such a tragedy anymore. Because I see the world vastly differently now — and I love who I have become and how I continue to grow.

But backing up…

The confusion, emotional pain, loss of community, identity crisis, disorientation, depression…was incredibly too much to handle. I grasped at straws for about 6 months as the foundation I had built my entire life and identity on from BIRTH, crumbled rapidly beneath my feet. There were multiple occasions where I thought I had hit rock bottom, with just a more progressive view of Christianity, only to find what I thought I was standing on crumbling once again. Again and Again. Until I found myself terrified waking up one day as an atheist.

I didn’t leave the church or Christianity because I was angry. Nobody hurt me. I loved my community.

I left Christianity because I asked questions, studied, and researched SO FREAKIN MUCH that my brain could no longer hold onto the stories and perspectives that I had been taught, because they didn’t make sense. There were so many ways to interpret the Bible, each claiming that they were THE RIGHT WAY. So many contradictions, yet claiming there are NO CONTRADICTIONS. So much disgusting drama and inhumane ways of doing things, yet this was so God could show he is god?? And this is LOVE!? So I love deeper than God!?

I tried to take hold of the historical view of the Bible — that it was written by man, and they just viewed and interpreted God in those horrible ways, when really it was not God at all…it was just their perspective. I was instantly labeled a heretic with the best of them. To which my brain responded, well why even try to keep holding on? You’re already not permitted to hold this belief as valid in your own community…and you can’t unsee what you have seen, so just let go. And down the rabbit hole I went…farther, and farther, and farther.

There was always a defense for God. His ways are not our ways — we cannot understand them. Just accept them — because he’s god. And the Bible is true, because it says it’s true. We were forbidden to research or entertain ideas outside of our church’s CORRECT…

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