The lure of Top Layer

Ah Kerugoya Secondary School for Sons of African Gentlemen.



I’m glad to be here where it all begun. My drinking, i mean. I’m kidding. When i was here i was mostly high.



Here life handed us lemons and we gave them to Beyonce. Here tummies came first. Here who eats fast, eats first.



Food has always been my kryptonite. It calms my chi. In high school, we ate to be full, not to balance diets. A balanced diet was a plate in each hand.



I need no reminding how orgasmic food made me or perhaps I do.



Because of top layer. Ah, top layer.



Ladies, in high school the top layer wasn’t the hen that laid many eggs.



Top layer was the cream for the crème de la crème of high school demagogues. If ever there were passionate men, it was us killing each other for cholesterol.



It’s easy to tell leaders who ate top layer. Matiang’i? Yes.

Sonko? Definitely.

Linturi? No, he was always in motion.

Awiti? The results speak for themselves.



I knew that menu by heart.

Mon – Mon: Githeri. Kokoto. Murram - take your pic - but evening meals, oh my, top layer.



I despised the kokoto, hitherto referred to as githeri, since it was doused with paraffin, but we knew our way around the system. For every plate of kokoto, we chewed natural herbs including mukhombero to supplement our growing masculinity.

How we never suffered from kidney stones is a testimony by itself.



And the weevils in that kokoto? My God. I am actually shocked we don’t fly.

I had enough githeri in high school to last me through 5 referendums.



Thank God for mkarango which in a move of pure professional witchcraft had the aroma of fried beans but was just doused with fat, fire and flames.



For drinks (😆) we had cold power, a potent portion of cocoa & cold water which we drunk during preps as desert to keep you alive till 10PM.

If you know cold war you know cold power.



Everyday at 6am we had long tea. Chair refu. Do you know chai refu?

Lemme give you the tea. (Ha!)

Chai refu is water with a hint of milk. There was milk but then there was no milk. You could see the milk but you couldn’t taste it. One packet of milk served an entire form. 1. Believe you me.



Drinking long tea may have been a fait accompli, but atleast it was a level higher than strong tea (duvia) – water and tealeaves. Other than high schools, chai refu is most popular in funerals and prisons.



And btw, if you’ve never taken duvia there is nothing you can tell me about life.





Chair refu was so long, and sugar such a premium product in high school, there were basically sugar cartels in school.



Anyone who had sugar was virtually untouchable. If you look carefully, all the boys who used to sell sugar in school are now maneuvering the social caste system as sugar daddies.



The contrast is stark, indisputable and emphatic.



However, there was no way you’d eat before form fours. It was de rigueur for Form 1s to feed last. Of course there were the mofos who had special diet, me included, because our stomachs couldn’t handle acid. Loool.



The lunch bell message was only second to the “Maths Teacher is sick,” announcement. Until they hit you with the shocker, “but in his place we will have a double chemistry lesson.”

Ewwwooooooo! Witchcraft is real.



It was a pandemonium to the DH to meet fat prefects who used to hear themselves too much.



Mguu niponye. Your speed your security. How fast you ran determined how much you ate.



Of course there was the NTSA (teacher on duty) waiting for you on the Jitegemee Highway.



“Young man, why are you not in a tie?”



Please God not like this.



‘Bitch please it’s the mouth which is eating.’



Of course you didn’t say that because you are a coward. And tongue tied.



But one day, you curse as you see your top layer hopes melt away, you will have your revenge. He will not know when that stone comes hurling at his face.



And that teacher who made me miss kiwaru, in the name of Cyprian and boychild movement, may ochunglo invade your armpits. May the spirit of upara visit you, may your phone never get fully charged, may the kingdom of nzi follow you.



The FOMO on top layer was so bad you’d hear your conscious accusing you of bodily negligence for missing the coveted soup.



Back then obesity was just a word and diet a Pavlov Biological concept. Who? You should have paid more attention in class bro.

Before Kamiti, there was Kerugoya.





And there was the small matter of those who used to bribe the cooks with their parents money, and collect their plates behind the kitchen full to the brim with top layer. Devils.





Life has come full circle.



Right now all those who used to fight for top layer are ouchea on slimming pills, vegan diets and herbal tea.



If you never ran for top layer were you even in a Kenyan school?



Heck.



Some of you gurls never got to eat top layer in high school. And it shows.

In your booty. Or lack thereof.



#ChineduTales

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